HOW TO HEAL A TOXIC RELATIONSHIP FAST.
Is it possible to heal a toxic relationship fast?
It is possible, but it takes the couple to agree to put an end to the toxicity in the relationship.
Several years ago, I found myself in a relationship with a beautiful woman. I thought it was, love at first sight and that it could last forever. In a few months, I found myself in a one-sided love affair. My partner seemed to be more interested in the financial benefits she was enjoying in the relationship. I tried all I could to make her see there was more to enjoy in the relationship than money. My plea seemed to fall on deaf ears.
On a certain day, I visited her and expressed how sad I felt about the direction our relationship was heading. She seemed less bothered as long as she was getting her purse filled with the goodies of life.
I felt used, unloved and unappreciated. It was painful for me to bear. But I had to confront her with my fears.
We ended up arguing as usual. Our value systems was incompatible. I seemed to have run out of patience and we ended up exchanging unpleasant words.
Looking back at the whole scenario and with the knowledge which I gathered from books and life experiences , I believe we could have handled the toxic relationship better.
Sadly, we ended the relationship. I took a walk to help me heal my emotional wounds.
That was a full blown toxic relationship.
At the initial stage of my recovery from the loss of the relationship, I never believed I could find love again until a friend gave me a book to read.
Reading the book, brought a glimmer of hope into my life and subsequent books that came my way, helped to restore my lost confidence.
Turning a toxic relationship into a healthy one is a conscious decision that must be agreed upon by both parties in the relationship.
It is no news that two people from different cultural backgrounds and belief systems could come together to form an awesome relationship, only to quickly discover that they are with the wrong person.
A little while, issues spring out of their struggle to understand and care for each other. In most cases, the relationships end in separation or outright divorce. This is a product of toxic relationships.
What is a toxic relationship? What can trigger a once fun-filled relationship into toxicity? What are the signs that the relationship has nose-dived into abuse and sometimes violence? How can we tackle this relationship dilemma and make it blissful once again? These are the issues I shall be discussing in this article.
Dr. Lillian Glass, author of the book, “Toxic People”, defines a toxic relationship as “any relationship [between people who] don’t support each other, where there’s conflict and one seeks to undermine the other, where there’s competition, where there will be disrespect and a lack of cohesiveness.”
In one sentence: A toxic relationship is a relationship that’s detrimental to your life and existence.
There are different types of toxic lovers in a relationship. They include:
CONTROLLING LOVER
The controlling lover or controller is a partner who believes that it is their right to dominate and control the relationship. They allow little or no input from their partners.
JEALOUS PARTNER
This partner is driven by the fear of losing their partners to other lovers. They discourage their partners from socializing with others.
LOW SELF-WORTH PARTNER
They are similar to the jealous partner. They do not believe in themselves and secretly they do not deserve the relationship they in.
NEGATIVE THINKING PARTNER
They never see anything good in their partners or the relationship. They are chronic complainers.
CHEATING PARTNER.
This partner has unfaithfulness, deceit, and dishonesty as comfortable companions. They are the first people to suspect when the relationship begins to get toxic.
UNTRUTHFUL PARTNER
This is a partner who builds their relationship with you on the foundation of lies.
ABUSIVE PARTNER
This partner looks for every opportunity to verbally or physically attack you. They are dedicated to finding faults in others.
VICTIMIZING PARTNER
They thrive in the joy of belittling the personality of their partner. They are sadists.
INSECURE PARTNER
This partner does not feel safe in the relationship and needs your assurance of your love and affection regularly.
TALKATIVE PARTNER
This partner always talks,their relationship into trouble. They lack self-control.
DEMANDING PARTNER
The partner is selfish. They are only interested in what they can get from the relationship.
OVER-POSSESSIVE PARTNER
They see their partner as their personal property. This can lead to unhealthy control and abuse.
PERFECTIONIST PARTNER
They have a low tolerance for mistakes or mediocrity in a relationship. You are expected to always go by their rules.
OVER-CONFIDENT
This partner seems to “know it all”. They don’t need your contribution.
MANIPULATIVE PARTNER
This partner capitalizes on your weaknesses to hold you as an emotional hostage. They dictate the direction of the relationship through subtle blackmail and guilt trips.
The sign of a healthy relationship is that so much joy and laughter is involved. Communication between both parties is very impressive and very positive. Everything seems to work out smoothly as you tackle problems and make a decision together.
But with a toxic relationship, the story is different.
If you continually feel sad, confused, drained, and uncomfortable in a relationship, it is evident that you are treading the toxic path.
If you find yourself lonely and unhappy in your relationship, you are in a toxic relationship. Let us look at other signs of a toxic relationship. These signs can be hidden from both partners or be obviously in plain sight.
CONTINUOUS STRESS
If you find yourself, being on the edge anytime you are with your partner, something is wrong. In such a case, you will find yourself tolerating your partner’s presence than enjoying it. This stressful state could denigrate into several fits of anger which further plunges the relationship into further toxicity.
ABSENTEE RELATIONSHIPS
When being with your partner becomes a boring experience. Suddenly, you seem to feel much better hanging around your family and other friends than hanging around your partner. You may even reduce your time of visitations to your partner. These actions, clearly show that all is not well with the relationship.
REGULAR FITS OF COMPLAINTS
If your partner is always complaining about your decisions and actions, the relationship is already strained. When you can’t be together for about an hour without having an unnecessary argument that leaves you confused and bitter, the relationship is toxic. It is even worse if your partner is listening to a third party who is the source of these complaints.
RESENTMENT
If you hold grudges in your mind against your partner, you would have succeeded in creating an invisible barrier that blocks your mind from intelligent reasoning and communication with the other person.
It erodes every feeling of intimacy and makes both of you look like total strangers or sworn enemies.
Resentment will make you feel uncomfortable with your partner and that further poisons the relationship.
LACK OF SUPPORT
If you are ignored by your partner when you need his or her emotional, physical, or financial assistance, then, your relationship has become toxic. This idea can only be reckoned with as true where your partner had always assisted you without hesitation in the past. When you feel a sense of abandonment, it is time to act.
ONE-SIDED RELATIONSHIPS
A relationship can be considered toxic when one partner seems to be the only one trying to move it forward. The passivity of other partners may mean no interest in the relationship progressing further.
CLOSED COMMUNICATION
Effective communication is the bedrock of a blossoming relationship. The decline in communication hitherto where an excellent one existed before, is a sure sign of a sweet relationship gone sour. The lower or the scarcer the communication between both parties, the more toxic the relationship.
LACK OF TRUST
As communication is the bedrock of a relationship, so is trust the heartbeat. Where a partner begins to doubt and dwells on falsehood as regards the other partner, toxicity has entered the relationship. Lack of trust makes the relationship lopsided and can easily shut the door of reconciliation. No relationship can thrive outside trust.
SELFISHNESS
It takes two or more people to form a relationship. Where a partner is always thinking about themselves at the expense of the others connotes a dangerous trend. This normally leaves the other partner feeling helpless. Selfishness is too toxic for a relationship to thrive. You can’t have it all. It can turn two partners into enemies. It’s better to be alone than making your partner pass through the agony of your selfishness.
UNDERMINING YOUR PARTNER
To believe that you will always be right in all decisions you make in a relationship is an illusion. Both partners have their rights and wrongs. When one partner becomes unquestionably dominant about their views and decisions at the expense of the other, the relationship has become toxic. There is no emperor or empress in a relationship. There are only partners.
LOADED WITH UNCERTAINTY
You wouldn’t board a bus if you were uncertain about the direction the board was heading. A relationship that lacks a clear direction is toxic. When a partner feels confused about the essence, purpose, and direction of a relationship, it is time to discuss it or opt-out of it.
DISHONESTY IS AN ENEMY
Dishonesty has a cancerous effect on a good relationship. It eats up every organ of trust holding the relationship together. It is a negative virtue not to be possessed by any of the partners in a relationship. Dishonesty erodes the hope of a brighter future for that relationship.
UNHAPPINESS STINKS
The fact that a partner in a relationship is continuously unhappy is something worrisome. One partner cannot be happy and the other one is unhappy and we say the relationship is blissful. No, it is not! Happiness is a product of a thriving relationship. When it is lop-sided, that relationship is toxic and all hands must be on deck to repair it.
IGNORING YOUR NEEDS
If you have a partner who does not care about meeting your physical, emotional, and financial needs, you are in for a long journey on the road of a toxic relationship. When it becomes an issue of “It’s all about them”, you are left confused and this can lower your productivity level in your personal life and career.
DISRESPECT
Mutual respect keeps a relationship soaring. Respect for your partner’s interests, likes, dislikes, style, ideas, and personalities should not be at the back burner of the relationship. Degrading their personalities before family members and friends is the fastest way to creating a toxic relationship.
Forcing your ideas down the throat of your partner at their own expense creates toxicity and abuse in a relationship.
ISOLATION FROM THE REST OF THE WORLD
Denying your partner the freedom to associate with others anytime they choose to is abusive and toxic. Every individual has a life pattern of their own. They want to freely express themselves according to their value systems. Restraining this expression makes your relationship toxic.
PHYSICAL AND EMOTIONAL ABUSE
Denying your partner the freedom to express themselves freely with you and others can lead to physical and emotional abuse. This can be a product of insecurity or low self-esteem on the part of the offending partner. When a partner begins to tow the way of verbal and physical abuse in form of insults, fights or scuffles and emotional abuse in the form of sexual denial, sexual blackmail, the relationship is inherently toxic.
EFFECTS OF TOXICITY ON A RELATIONSHIP
No one with their reasonable mind would willingly rush into a toxic relationship if they knew it would be so from the beginning. The effects of this kind of relationship leave much to be desired.
A toxic and abusive relationship comes in many forms. Some of the effects which you will see in individuals involved in toxic relationships include:
REDUCED SELF-ESTEEM
When you end up feeling small, confused, ashamed and frustrated as a result of criticism, denial, and suppression from your partner, you will seem to lose your self-worth and believe you are the problem in the relationship.
SUICIDAL THREATS
If your partner is always threatening you with physical harm or suicide when you resist their negative behavior towards you, it is time to seek help against this emotional blackmail.
PHYSICAL ABUSE
When a partner is physically abused, it is time to consult a counselor and discuss issues underlying the relationship. Delay may turn out to be fatal if the physical abuse continues.
CAUSES OF TOXIC RELATIONSHIP
Most toxic relationships have underlying factors that trigger those actions. Some of these causative factors are subconscious while others are conscious and can be easily corrected. Some of the causes of toxic relationship include:
PERSONAL HISTORY
The partner’s family upbringing, behavioral patterns, and social expression may play a huge role in determining the course of their relationship with others.
Your partner’s experience of living in a dysfunctional family where physical, emotional, verbal, and sexual abuse was rampant, could have a great influence on their relationship.
It may be difficult seeing their parents who served as their first and earliest role models jumping from one divorce to another and you expect their relationship values to be otherwise.
It is also believed that children who grew under very stable homes seemed to fare better in their relationships along the same line.
PSYCHOLOGICAL IMBALANCE
Sometimes, your partner may have gone through several traumatic experiences which have partially distorted their perceptions about people and relationships.
Any similar action similar to events of their past could trigger irrational behavior from them.
You can encourage your partner to confide more in you and be willing to talk about their experiences.
Seeing a psychologist or counselor can go a long way in helping these issues.
LOW SELF IMAGE
A partner can treat the other the way he or she perceives to be treated. When one person feels the other person is superior to them in one form or the other, they try to subdue them to the level they desire through means of intimidation, abuse, blackmail, and denial.
UNDISCUSSED AND UNSOLVED PROBLEMS
Most toxic relationships are saddled with problems that are never solved or given the luxury of time to be discussed. This creates an emotional strain on the partners which hinders their ability to quickly resolve the problems amicably. Un-discussed problems breed suspicion and fear, while unsolved problems create bitterness, anger, and distrust.
When you create room for problem resolution in your relationship, you have taken the first step towards bringing back the bliss, you once had.
When we develop a condition called “negativity bias”, we tend to remember only all the negative utterances and actions of our partner. It would be better to do a quick mental shift from “negativity bias” to “positivity bias” thereby focusing continuously on all the good words and actions of your partner. It will keep you positive-minded and more open to finding lasting solutions to the toxic side of the relationship.
You are not dealing with a toxic partner but a toxic experience caused by several factors that can be resolved if both parties agree to sit down, put away blame games and objectively discuss the issues at hand without bias.
Whoever is guilty of introducing toxicity in the relationship must be willing to accept responsibility for their faults and be prepared to embrace the path of peace.
A blissful relationship will come to reality when a plan is mapped out for reconciliation and strengthening of the relationship.
ADDICTION TO MOBILE TECHNOLOGY
Mobile addiction has caused more harm than good to relationships. Nobody likes to come home after a busy day at work only to be served a burnt dinner just because their partner got lost chatting away their time on any of the social media platforms.
In as much as we love smartphones, tablets, and laptops, it becomes a potent relationship breaker when it practically takes the place of a partner in the mind of the other partner. Nobody wants to be replaced by machines. This can dent a big blow to their self-worth.
Constant use of and attention on these technological gadgets can breed suspicion, jealousy, doubt, and mistrust in a relationship.
It is better to schedule your social media time daily without clashing with the time set aside for your partner.
It also feels wise to spend more time communicating with your partner than your social media friends.
Always reassure your partner of the special place you created for them in your heart not only in words but actions.
Avoid pasting personal details of your relationship on social media. It may end up hurting your partner. Respect each other’s privacy.
HOW TO HEAL TOXIC RELATIONSHIPS.
AVOID CONFLICT
Some people are pro-conflict while others are averse to it. It is just the same way as we have extroverts and introverts in a relationship.
The first thing you can do to avoid the birth of a toxic relationship is to avoid conflicts. This starts with saying the right words in a temperate manner. Sometimes, you may have to keep silent and temporally move away from the object or area of conflict, to allow the blazing hot tempers to cool down and nerves to be calmed.
Let your partner know and understand your anti-conflict stance as you communicate this to them using their love language.
It is better to focus on the issues of the conflict and not the emotions wrapped around it. Be pro-solution minded.
KEEP YOUR COMMUNICATION CHANNELS OPEN
Avoiding to discuss bothersome issues in a relationship is one of those spasms of immaturity you must overcome. Communication is a relationship. Inversely, a relationship is all about healthy, respectful, and unbiased communication.
Appreciation, forgiveness, adoration, gratitude, undying love, and mutual respect are viable tools you can use to the beautify of your relationship.
It is believed that what you are grateful for naturally appreciates in your life. Be grateful for having your partner in your living space. Look out for positive things you can learn from them.
Never hesitate to say ‘sorry’, if you have wronged them. Saying, “I am sorry”, does not belittle your personality. It frees your mind from toxicity and shows that your self-control is intact in the relationship.
Never turn your back or walk away from your partner in the event of a conflict. Instead, request for some time to think. Remain calm and assuring to your partner. Keep your emotion in check as you respond to their grievances.
CHECKMATE INSTANT AND UNCONTROLLABLE TEMPER
Letting tempers go out of hand in a relationship can be destructive. Tempers flare up when partners focus on the negative effects of an action. They allow “how they feel” to control them instead of focusing on “what they think”.
There feeling nature embellishes their views with the emotion of anger while their thinking nature clarifies their reasoning faculty to assist them in making better decisions.
Feeling emotionally battered or drained could make a partner react negatively without thinking rationally.
Detaching yourself from the feeling attached to the subject of conflict gives you a bird’s eye view and empowers you with enough resources for quick and easy conflict resolution.
GIVE THEM A SENSE OF SECURITY
You should boost your partner’s sense of security by verbal and non-verbal assurances regularly.
No one would feel safe in a relationship that seems to be full of uncertainty and doubts.
When a person feels insecure in a relationship, their next option will be to opt-out. They become reclusive, secretive, pretentious, and always engage mood swings. They may also reduce their communication with their partner.
TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOUR ACTIONS
The ability to sustain a blissful relationship is anchored on taking responsibility for your actions. Shying away from the negative results of your thoughts, words, and actions is like an ostrich trying to hide from its enemies by burying the head in the sand. Your toxic relationship would not be healed if you don’t do something about it fast.
BE WILLING TO INVEST MORE TIME
Sometimes the major problem in an ailing relationship can be traced to partners not having sufficient time for each other. You can never invest enough time breathing. A relationship is like that. It is a living thing. Investing more time in it is like giving it oxygen.
BE OPEN TO OUTSIDE HELP
When you are making efforts to fixing a toxic relationship but you seem to be heading nowhere, you can seek outside help. It is better to consult a professional and impartial counselor to advise you and your partner. Reading great books on how to cultivate relationships could also be helpful. This may just be the magic you need to rejuvenate your dying relationship.
LEAVE THE PAST BEHIND
The past does not equal the future. Dwelling on past mistakes can slow down reconciliatory moves towards fixing a toxic relationship.
Stop blaming past actions for your relationship woes. Learn from your past and dive into the sea of tomorrow’s possibilities. Who knows? You may find a treasure.
PRACTICE HEALTHY COMMUNICATION
Focus on positive thinking and speaking in your relationship. Learn to accentuate the great qualities, ideas, and activities you have in common.
Give less attention to an unnecessary argument that can cause friction in your relationship.
A positive relationship is the embodiment of positive communication. Endeavor to keep your communication simple, honest, and positive.
BE ACCOUNTABLE
Being in a relationship involves your willingness to be accountable to each other. Keeping your partner in suspense or being unusually secretive can hinder accountability in a relationship
Be open to each other at all times.
VIEW YOUR PARTNER THROUGH THE MIRROR OF COMPASSION.
Your partner is not your enemy. They are your best friend. If you would view them with the eyes of compassion amid the toxic relationship, you will give them a glimmer of hope that things would get better.
SHIFT FROM BLAME GAMES TO UNDERSTANDING
No one ever won a trophy as the best blamer in the world. Indulging in blame games confines both parties in the quicksand of guilt, fear, bitterness, anger, and regret.
You cannot run a successful relationship with the above five emotions as your allies. Letting go of the blames and walking the part of understanding is the best way to go.
Transforming a toxic relationship into a blissful one is not a one day job. It requires understanding, willingness, dedication, commitment, passion, faith, love, trust, and perseverance to make your relationship work.
It’s not about them. It’s about you.
Yes!
You can fix that toxic relationship today, by taking the first step, now!
